When We Were The New Boys
by Rose G
Summary: After alerting the 'Order of the Pheonix' Sirius returns to Hogwarts for a meeting, only to find Remus already there. How have the past fourteen years changed the Marauders, and will Sirius be able to face his memories? Completed.
1. Default Chapter

When We Were The New Boys

Rose G

Disclaimer - All these characters belong to J.K Rowling. The title and song words below belong to Rod Stewart.

But all my friends have long since gone

Blown and scattered like autumn leaves. 

Some are lawyers, and some are thieves, 

Some are now behind the sun. 

But I'll no, never be afraid, 

From the cradle unto the grave, 

I learnt my lesson and I learnt it well, 

When we were the new boys. 

~~~Rod Stewart, When We Were The New Boys~~~

Sirius Black stood meekly in front of Dumbledore's ornate desk, looking glumly at Fawkes the phoenix who was sitting on the piles of paper. The headmaster looked older than ever, the twinkle in his blue eyes subdued, but Sirius still felt that odd sense of awe at the power of this shabby old man. With a supreme effort of will, he raised his curiously dark haunted eyes to meet Dumbledore's, feeling that tremor of fear that Azkaban's guards had left him with - defiance equalled violence. 

'Well thanks for that Sirius. It sounds like you've alerted everyone that could be useful, and as I have already received owls from some of them saying they will be arriving tomorrow to discuss Voldemort, I don't think there is anything left for you to do. You'll be welcome to stay here for a few days; the staff rooms are free, or you could have one of the Gryffindor dorms for a while seeing as everyone's on holiday.'

Hesitantly, Sirius spoke. He was finding this difficult - the familiar surroundings of Hogwarts were bringing back painful memories, the feeling of safety was weakening his defences against the grief and loneliness that had driven him for so long. 'I - I'll use the Gryffindor dormitory if that's all right with you. No one else is staying there, are they?' 

'Not as yet, Sirius, but I believe some one may be soon. One of the Order has arrived already, and I think that he is waiting to see you.' What colour there was in Sirius' gaunt face left it at the thought of working closely with some one else again. Warning them had been one thing; this was something else. _Dear God, what if it's Snape? How am I meant to cope with that?_

There was a knock on the door - a sound that made Sirius look up. _Remus? Is that you? _Dumbledore answered his unspoken question. 'That sounds like Remus now. I owled him right after the third task; he was away in France.'

Remus stood and stared at him - dark eyes and grey ones with something of the wolf in them locking across the room. _How old he looks now - how long ago was it when we were young and happy? Have I changed that much? _Sirius mused. 

Dumbledore looked at the pair, irresistibly reminded of them in their sixth year, standing there with James Potter, explaining why they had transfigured McGonagall's scarf into a boa constrictor and all the while shooting looks at each other that said 'You wait.' _How did those two dreamers turn into this? Why could something like that happen to this lot? _

'I expected you would, Sirius. I asked Dooby to take you some food up - I thought you'd prefer to be on you own for a while. I appreciate this has all been - difficult. I will see you two tomorrow.' Tactfully, he stepped away from his desk and into the rooms at the back, leaving the two men looking at each other. 

Twelve years of hatred, fourteen years of terror, seven years of a friendship deeper than blood... Those sorts of things were not forgotten in a hurry. 

'Moony…'

'Padfoot…'

They broke the silence at the same time, then Sirius barked a harsh laugh that matched his matted hair and haunted eyes. 'It's good to see you, Remus. I don't know if you can forgive me, but at least I won't die with that over me.'_ If he doesn't forgive me, I might as well die anyway. It's not like I've really got a lot to live for. Except Harry…Always Harry…I can't let him down twice…_

Remus took a couple of long steps, resting one hand on the taller mans shoulder. 'Don't worry, Sirius. We learnt our lesson. C'mon, Dumbledore mentioned food and I really could use some.' _And if I'm hungry, Sirius looks like he's been on starvation rations. _

Each step they took towards the common room was full of memories, especially for Sirius. Fourteen years ago, he had known every step - known that secret passage down from that stature into the girls showers, known where the Marauders had teased Snape, played jokes, where they had caught James kissing Lily, where Remus' first girlfriend had slapped him in the face. Remus had spent a year here, so it was not so strange to him, but the Dementors had taken all those memories from him until now.

At the end of the corridor, he stopped, swaying slightly. _I almost wish I hadn't agreed to this. I don't want to go back there without James…without Peter. He was one of us at any rate no matter what. _Remus caught up with him, whispered the password. 'Remember the time you and James changed the password to Snape and Malfoy forever?' A grin touched his face at the memory of Snape charging after James, only for the pair of them to run into Professor Flitwick and get detentions for a week.

Silently, Sirius scrambled through the portrait hole, and choked back tears. Everything here was the same as it had been that night when Dumbledore had come to tell him that his parents were killed, murdered by Voldemort. _The same as it was when we spent that last night talking, swearing never to forget, never to separate, and to come back someday_. The drapes in the scarlet and gold of Gryffindor, the roaring fire and food laid out, the windows wide enough for owls, Remus, and in front of them, a painting of the Quidditch team. In the middle, a boy - a young man flying - the double of Prongs, a painting of Harry. 

'Remus, would you excuse me for a minute?' For a long moment, Sirius tried to change himself into the great black dog, to distance the pain, the opening of old wounds, but Remus blocked him. 

'We promised, Sirius. When we were the new boys here, remember? That we'd come back here one day. And we have. The last of the Marauders.'

'And what does it matter now, Remus?' Sirius' voice was a low husky growl, verging on sobs. 'What does any of it matter now? He's back, and I'm too tired to fight it all over again. Not Voldemort. He killed the Marauders - it's not the same now. I fought him once, and look where it got me. Twelve years - twelve years of hell.' Burning tears streamed down his thin cheeks for the first time since that Halloween night. 

'None of it matters, Remus. He's coming back and nothings going to stop him. Peter's with him. And its my fault - _I _killed them. Lily and James. And Harry - I nearly killed Harry.' Sirius choked, a convulsive, wretched sound. 'What's the point of this talking? It won't do any good - I tried hard enough, but we haven't got enough people. And it was me and Peter - two of the Marauders who caused it all.'

'Oh, Padfoot…Sirius…I'm so sorry.' Remus' voice shook. Again, he lay a hand on Sirius' shoulder, unsurprised that he felt only bone. _That hair, and his face…He looks like a male version of a banshee. _Sirius shook his head, afraid of what felt like a Dementor's touch and Dumbledore looked at the pair, his heart bleeding for the bright young boy who had come to this - a terrified wreck weeping in his friend's arms for those that he had loved and lost. He stepped into the common room, and walked over to them. 

'Is there anything…?'He asked Remus. 

Sirius' voice was muffled, the words still clear. 'He's got the Dementors now, and the giants. Oh, hell Remus, if - if they start using the Dementors again, I - I'll kill myself. I don't want to ever go through that again. I couldn't bear to have them touch me again. And I'm scared, Remus. So, so scared…'

'I don't think so, Headmaster. Not yet.' 


	2. Memories

When we Were the New Boys Chapter 2

Rose G

__

Dedicated to Mel, a friend as good to me as Remus to Sirius. Happy birthday, mate. 

Remus paced slowly around the Gryffindor common room, making an effort to shut his wolf sharp ears to the sound of Sirius' dream. He'd heard Sirius crying out in the night, something about shadows, and pain and being hungry, but Dumbledore had told him yesterday that Sirius was exhausted, almost ill and not to wake him. _I wish I could help him, that he'd let me speak to him. He never used to be like this. He's changed so much. Is it Azkaban, or something else? _Suddenly, he dropped to his knees, one scarred hand clutching the silver cross around his neck. Very few wizards were religious, but his Muggle father had been and the unwavering strength of his faith had often comforted Remus during the full moon. 

'Oh Father in your infinite mercy, may you grant Sirius the strength to carry on his tasks and the courage to cope with his past. Amen.' _  
_

'Very touching, Remus.' The voice was very gentle, not mocking but warm. 

He started violently, only to see Albus Dumbledore looking at him. 'The conference is scheduled to start in an hour - I came to see if Sirius is all right. No spell can force those who have survived Azkaban to carry on and the horrors in Sirius' past affect him more because he has spent so long on his own. And as I noticed yesterday, he is ill from exhaustion and grief.'

'And you still insist there is nothing we can do for him?'

'No because it is an illness of the mind and there are no spells that can counter that. I believe the Muggles have devised some cures, but who amongst them would be persuaded to treat a man they still believe a murderer? Not many, and Sirius has ever been wary of Muggles.'

There was a long silence then, Remus musing, with a dull flush still colouring his face and Dumbledore absent-mindedly polishing his wand. _How I hate this - having to lead this conference and forcing Sirius to carry on. Those released from Azkaban have never been the same. _

It was broken by Sirius stumbling downstairs, wearing Muggle clothing that hung from his gaunt frame. The long hair and deadened eyes gave him the look of a re-animated corpse, and the scars that littered his arms told Dumbledore a story beyond that of imprisonment. His wand, still not repaired properly since it had been splintered in the Shrieking Shack, was clutched awkwardly in one trembling hand.

'Moony. Headmaster. Is there anything wrong?' _Useless idiot. Of course there's something wrong - Voldemort's back. _'Apart from Voldemort.'

'Don't worry, Sirius. Everyone else is here, but I saw no point in waking you. We can wait while you have breakfast, if you wish. Remus said that you had a bad night.'

Sirius shoot Remus a glance of pure loathing. _How dare he - friend or not. How long ago did we pledge never to betray any of the others, to take death over that? Mind that was before Peter..._ 'It was Azkaban. I thought I was back there…The Dementors…' He walked over to one of the armchairs by the fire and collapsed into it, burying his face in his hands, willing Dumbledore to leave him alone.

'And what was it that made Azkaban so terrible, Sirius?'

'Th-the blackness. No light. Dementors everywhere, near me, hurting me. They hurt, Dumbledore, even though they say they don't touch you. They do, God they do.' His breath was coming in short gasps, his voice shook. 'Two years later, an' I might as well have never left there. They don't want me to get free.' 

Dumbledore gritted his teeth. He'd done this before, many times, most recently to Harry after he had seen Voldemort's rebirth, and it never stopped hurting. He loathed having to inflict pain on them by making them relive their memories and he wasn't even sure that it would help Sirius. 'They hurt?'

'They drive you to it, hurting yourself. You can't kill yourself in there…Else I wouldn't have come out. No one in there will help you. Darkness…so dark…You're alone, so alone - I could have coped if it wasn't for being on my own. Only pain…No-one to hear you scream. There's blood in your mouth, you see shadows, see them getting nearer, and it hurts. Stone cuts; everything in there's stone. Makes you bleed, and they come - they like blood. Nothing to mend cuts - no wands, so there's blood eveywhere.'

Padfoot_…Oh, Sirius…How did you survive with that?_ Remus moved foward to comfort Sirius but was stayed by Dumbledore. 'Carry on, Sirius.' Sirius shook his head weakly. There were no tears today; his grief and remembered terror were beyond any expression. _How could I tell Dumbledore and Moony about what it was like? About laying in my own filth, about stealing food from straving men to keep myself alive, about crying for my friends? Hell, how can I tell them that I cried? _And suddenly, Remus was there, ignoring Dumbledore, holding a bottle of Butterbeer for Sirius to drink from.

The warm liquid gave him some new strength; enough so that he could look up at Dumbledore with enough energy to defy him. 'I cannot, and I will not. Some of the things that happened were personal, others I do not even wish to think about. Maybe, some day but not before then.'

Dumbledore's soft voice cut through his private hell. 'Okay, Sirius. I have to respect that. You have driven yourself too hard, and you've made youself ill. You done more than I could expect, and have earned your right to a rest. And yet, I must ask you to attend the conferance. McGonagall's office, if you don't mind.' And with that he swept away. _Sirius…the Marauders…they were never like that…What with his motorbike and James's stunt flying…Only ever had to look in the hospital wing for them…They were never afriad. How did it happen to the Marauders?_

Together, the two, the werewolf and murderer walked down the corridor, puasing only when Peeves appeared in front of them. For a moment, Remus rocked on the balls of his feet wand in front of him, an evil grin flickering across his face like the boy who had lived here and loved here a decade and a half ago. '_Phamtomis Petrificus!'_ Peeves froze, his hand still clutching the water bomb he had been planning to throw. '_Wingardium Leviosa!' _Gesturing with his wand, he rose Peeves up into the air above the main entance hall and left him there. Sirius' face did not show a trace of a grin; no sign that he remebered the time the Marauders had immobilised the Bloody Baron and left him dangling above the astromy tower where so many of their greatest pranks had taken place. 

Lily_ would have laughed. Lily was like one of us. How James ended up marying her, I don't know. I loved Lily like she was one of the Marauders. The only girl who didn't flinch fom what I was. The only girl I ever wanted to marry… _Remus stopped that line of thought before he revealed anything to Sirius. It had been the one secet he kept fom the Marauders'; his love of Lily, his habit of watching her sleep over her schoolbooks in the common room, coverting her in secret. 

Sirius walked in silence, his mind caught in memories. _What happened to forever? What happened to our pledge?_ He paused in horror at the door to the office. _The last time I was here, she gave me a detention for having the motorbike in my dorm to clean it before I took that Ravenclaw girl out. _It wasn't that which paused his steps. Twenty or so people sitting around the table from the Great Hall, lit by candles and a roaring fire. 

_Remus, Mundungus Fletcher, loads of Weasly boys, Arabella Figg, the staff. A few ministry figures, I guess. Are they the Hogwarts seventh years there? And Hagid and that giant woman. Karkaroff, of all the people. And Krum. What is he doing here? _But it wasn't them who confused the pair. Snape his black eyes glinting was sweeping down on thm, one hand outsteched in greeting. Amitdly, Dumbledore was glaring at him, but … he was welcoming the remaining Marauders. Remus shook his hand, but Sirius refused. 

He_ should be in Azkaban. I shouldn't hve been. I'll never forgive that. His master killed the Marauders, Harry's parents, everyone. I will not forgive him. _Clenching his jaw, Sirius walked over to his seat. For now, he would be the Sirius they remembered, the man who would die before surrending. Only Sirius would now that he had already betrayed some of them. _They will never know that._

How can you know the pain?  
How can you know the feeling?  
How can you say you understand  
When my mind is reeling?   
  
How do you know what I went through?  
How can you say it'll be fine?  
How can you know that I broke down and cried  
In all those solitary times.   
  
How can you now try to help me?  
How can you say that you care?  
How can you know that deep in my heart  
There is nothing but pain and despair?   
  
How can you even look at me?  
How could you know what I've done?  
How could you live with the knowledge

That I gave them information?

  
How can you need me?  
Why can't you leave me alone?  
Can't you see the pain I will cause  
Because of what I've done?   
  
How will you know I've hurt you?  
How will you know the pain?  
I sold out all those close to me  
To save me going insane.   
  
Can you know the pain I'm going through?  
Can you feel what's here in my heart?  
I have nothing at all now  
My soul has been ripped apart.   
  
Don't lie when you say you need me.  
I can see it in your eyes.  
You don't trust me anymore,  
I give you nothing more than lies. 

~~~Words I Cannot Say, Sirius Black~~~  
  
A/N - This poem isn't much to do with the story, but it sort of fitted in. Somehow, I see Sirius being a bit of a writer. Review, let me know what you think, make suggestions, anything. Flames will be used to cheer Sirius up - he's going to need it in the next chapter. 

__

__


	3. Ghosts

When We Were the New Boys Chapter 3

Rose G

__

And we held our glasses high

And we dared to reach for the sky

And we never would grow old

When we were the new boys.

The thirty or so people gathered in McGonagall's office were silently, breathlessly so as they waited for Dumbledore to start the briefing. Half disbelieving, half desperately hoping that Dumbledore and Sirius had got it wrong, the most powerful and loyal members of the magical community sat and waited. 

Sirius could feel eyes stabbing at him - the Azkaban escapee, the man who had betrayed Lily and James Potter, the insane mass murderer who laughed as he killed. He longed to scream at them 'I'm innocent, damn you! It was bloody Pettigrew!' but his tiredness prevented him.

After a minute that lasted hours, as long as his spell in Azkaban, Dumbledore began to speak. ' I can see that many of you are surprised to see Sirius here. I am aware of course about the warrant for his arrest, but the reason the Ministry have not yet caught him is because he is innocent. I know that, Remus also knows that. Anyone reporting him will answer to me and to me alone.' 

The old headmaster allowed that to sink in for a minute then turned his penetrating gaze on each of them in turn. Sirius felt that Dumbledore looked deep into his heart, saw there the weakness and the pain and he was relived now that the other man knew the worst about him.

'I have asked you all to meet here again, reunited under the phoenix that is the symbol of hope and rebirth. Despite what you may have heard, Lord Voldemort has risen again and he has his servant back. Already, we know the result - 'greater and more terrible than ever before' and none of us here escaped his touch before. Hopeless it seems, yet I have seen hopeless wars won before if all remain true.'

Sirius shuddered at the thought, was grateful for Remus' small smile from across the table. It wasn't much comfort but it let him know that he wasn't alone. Concentrating on that, he blanked out the talk, until waves of rational discussion and blind panic flew round his head like hippogriffs.

He screwed his eyes shut, ducking his head to avoid those piecing blue eyes. Remus looked at him - Sirius knew without sight because his gaze had the intensity of a wolf. It hurt, his whole body hurt and hurt screamed with the feelings that racked his muscles. _How can they have all these others so close? It hurts…God, make it stop._

Remus spoke hurriedly, his voice echoing through layers and layers of terror. 'Sirius? Padfoot, are you alright?'

'R-Remus...' He chewed on the words, slurring. Dumbledore lifted his head from his consideration of Bill Weasly and flicked his eyes to the skinny figure of his old pupil. The silence that fell brought Sirius staggering to his feet, one shaking hand grasping for his splintered wand. _Azkaban…Dementors…Why so silent? What are they doing?_

Bill glanced round at the others, staying them with small gestures while McGonogall whispered to Madam Pomfrey. _Get them away. Leave me alone - I'm innocent, damn you all. Lily, James, I never! _The scream burst from him. 'I couldn't help it! I didn't! Lily, James, you must know I never did that!'

Lupin wrapped one arm around Sirius' waist, feeling the damp sweat drench his shirt. 'Dumbledore…We need to get him out of here…Something's wrong…Help me.' His voice was a harsh grunt as Sirius struggled.

A few hours later, Sirius came round in the infirmary, captured by the soft white sheets that chafed at him as much as the bars in his cell had done. He spoke to the world he saw; to the white walls and ceiling that hurt his eyes. 'Remus? Are you here mate?'

The two wizards looked down at him. Dumbledore's thoughts darted back twenty odd years. _Funny, he always did end up with this bed. That prank of his and James on the Astronomy tower and falling past Filch's window. No wonder I could always lay my hands on him._ He suppressed a chuckle.

__

I'm so sorry for you, Si. I know that I didn't make it easy for you, what with Azkaban and Harry and now this…Remus fingered his wand thoughtfully, lips pursed as he rubbed the old oak wood._ I could free him - Moody got away with it on his spiders, didn't he? He showed me how…Dumbledore would understand and he isn't living - he' s existing - he'd only lose that pain if he died…_

Sickened with his own thoughts, he turned to the one remaining Muruderer. 'I'm here, Si.' _Voldemort's here and whatever you're on is here - I can't keep you safe. '_Always together, Si, like we wrote on the Whomping Willow.'_ If he died, he'd be with James. James'll look after him; Voldemort couldn't touch him then._

'It's not like that anymore, Remus. When we were the new boys it was, but not now. James and Lily are dead - me and Pttigrew are worse off. And you - a werewolf, what hope have you got? What hope have any of us got?'

Dumbledore winced as he looked at Sirius; at his eyes which were windows onto an empty soul; at the scars which littered his arms. Under his breath he whispered the words which Remus had thought of, but brought no force behid them. 'Avada Kadava. Avada Kadava, Sirius.' Sighing, he stepped out of the room and left the pair alone.

'Every hope, Padfoot. We survived the last one, remember? We can do it again.' _James didn't. Lily didn't. It doesn't look like Sirius really did. Werewolf or not, I know who's better off now._

The once acknowledged ringleader of the gang looked up at Remus, his body trembling. 'I can't, Remus. I never thought that I'd ever say that before - but I can't.'

__

I never thought that I'd hear that from Sirius. Not brave Siri. Only me now - I have to be strong, like I wasn't before. Why couldn't it be like it used to be?' 

In the Great Hall, Dumbledore shook his head, grey hair sparking in the candlelight. _When I was young, I never thought that I'd be in charge of a war like this…Just thrity odd of us and no help from _them._ Never thought that I'd be willing to hurt a man like Sirius just to get more help for us. What sort of a man have I turnd into?_

In the infirmary, Sirius watched the moonlight filter through the window, making opalescent patterns on the sheet. His eyes stung with tears that wouldn't fall because he'd wept so many. _When we were new, I never thought it could ever end. I never thought that I'd be on my own again. From the cradle to the grave…Why couldn't I have gone instead of them?_

A/N - I apologise for the mistake earlier that had Remus wearing a silver cross. An oversight on my part and thanks to the reviewer who pointed that out. 

__


End file.
